Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Daily Shannigans Year to Date

Mommy 2, Kids and Puppy 5,886

This be the Verse
They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another's throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don't have any kids yourself.
--Philip Larkin

Oops, too late.

Okay so if I am doomed to fuck my kids up and they are doomed to be fucked up I might as well have a little fun here and there. Right?

Just say yes.

See Beau there with his arm up? Wanna know why he is looking so pitiful with his arm up?
Well I'll tell you.
And this is an example of how you as a parent can have a little fun in a situation where it may not seem possible that you could have a little fun. This is also where you will see my true genius as a person really shine through.

Beau hurt his toe, you know just knocked against the table--nothing serious. But he fell to pieces over it. I told him to get his arm up quick. He looked at me like what the fuck are you talking about Willis (People, I know Arnold didn't say "fuck" but everybody knows that "Whatchoo" is really slang for "What the fuck".)

So I helped Beau raise his arm and sat him in his chair and told him to keep it up until the pain went it away. I told him it would make the pain go away faster. So he sat there with his arm over his head until the pain went away. See how genius I am? I totally distracted him from the stubbed toe pain and since it isn't terribly comfortable to hold your arm over your head the pain miraculously, and the thus the tears, stop much sooner than they otherwise would.

Okay and the next has to do with Lola. Need a picture for reference? Okay, it has been awhile. She is four months old and I don't have a great one of her because she moves so damn fast. But here she is.
See her on the couch? Yeah that is all Lala's fault(--see how my mum is still fucking me up??) She encouraged Lola to snuggle up on the couch. Now Lola thinks she owns it.

But that isn't what I want to tell you.
A few minutes ago Beau came to me, you know after he finally got his arm down, and told me, very excitedly:
That Lola. Mommy. When she gets bigger? She is going to have PUPPIES!!!!!!!
Really, I said.
No we are going to get her a little operation next week so that won't happen.
Beau, stunned silent, just looks at me for the second time this morning with that What the fuck are you talking about Willis look.

Carmella, over hearing, pipes up: So the puppies won't get out of her?
Me, pausing because I am trying to decide if it is better to explain that the puppies won't be getting in her at all or if it will be more fun to let them think that Lola will have puppies trapped in her for the rest of her life? Thinking, thinking, thinking. . .
Right, so the puppies can't get out.

Carmella, of course looks very disturbed about this but doesn't question it.

Then Beau says he is going to tell Lola and Carmella yells, chasing after Beau: No!Don't! She'll freak out like ice and scream.

And so then I sent them off to school with the new found wisdom that you have to put your arm up and hold it over your head whenever you get hurt and that their puppy? When she gets bigger? Will have puppies inside of her forever.
Oh shut up. Common sense and seventh grade science will eventually set them straight. Until then though I am having my fun.
And yes, I know this will somehow come back to bite me in the ass.


  1. Oooh. You're eeeeevil! I like it!! Did you have to go to a parenting class to learn that, or did it come natural? LOL.

  2. The arm over the head thing is genius, pure genius.

  3. Got here from Wes's site...glad I did!!

    This is just classic. Absolute genius. When I was little, I'd get up in the middle of the night and have to pee...but the bathroom was all the way down this LOoooooong dark hallway...so I'd wake mom up and ask her to go with me since it was DARK...and she, not wanting to get up, would tell me to close my eyes so I didn't know it was dark. So I'd feel my way to the bathroom - problem solved. To this day, I still close my eyes when it's so dark it's scary. Scarred for life? perhaps!!!

    Hey, I'm totally considering a relocation to Atlanta but my one contact there is too busy to show me the city...any advice?? And have you found other Atlanta tri/run bloggers? :)

  4. I will be saving up for Carmella's future therapy. Maybe Beau too but I somehow doubt he lets much worry him.

  5. Wes, Did you not read the poem? Natural. They can't teach this stuff! I learnt my parenting skills from my parents. It is genetic.

    Hi Fiwa! Thanks. We've used it several times today. It is so hard not to laugh.

    Welcome Spence! In my blog list Arc of time and Adventures in Parenting are local runners and Jasonaut is a triathelete. Dogwood girl lives in the city and can advise there. You should check the link from her blog on AtlantaMetro blogging to get the feel for Atlanta.
    The Atlanta track club is the 2nd largest running club in the world and there is also a huge cycling community here. I don't know much about the triathelete scene but there are numerous local triathalons so I suspect it is big too.

    Anonymous--please put a little aside for me too. Thanks!Kisses.

  6. Hello Nat,
    Wes sent me here,too :-) Loved the post. Nice starting the day with a laugh. And I need it being that it's -34C this morning.Going to go out and see if my worktruck will start now :-(

    Have a good day,

  7. Hi John!
    OMG! NEGATIVE 34 degrees??? And here my last post I whining about 30 degrees. I just can't even imagine negative degrees.