That is what I heard Beau telling his teacher today as I picked him and Parker (playdate!) up from school. I have to say that everyday I am blown away by the confidence this kid possesses. He goes up to older kids at the pool and says "I'm Beau. You? You can call me Beau. Wanna know how to do a cannonball? Watch this." He is 4 and he has 7 year olds following him around and doing what he says.
Then there is Carmella. Last night I went to her first grade open house and was so blown away, though not surprised, by how neat and organized her desk was. My desk in first grade was always very messy--even when I cleaned it for the desk fairy. Knowing Carmella I expected nothing less but what cracked me up was how artfully organized her desk cubbyhole was. It was arranged and decorated. It was pleasing to look at. A desk to marvel at. I could tell that she took time and put thought in her arrangement.
And then there is me. And today I feel very not so smart. But I am proud, if nothing else, of my tenacity. See, yesterday I bonked in the heat 2 miles into my planned 15 miler. It ended up being 4 miles. Totally brought me down and I was plagued by self doubt and negative thoughts all day long.
So today this little engine that could tried again. I needed at least 11 miles but I told myself that if I got in my 15 miles I would give myself permission for a bike ride tomorrow.
I started running a little late. For some reason getting clean sheets on the beds seemed a priority. So I made the beds and folded a little laundry and paid some bills and made it out to run around 9:30 a.m.
Uhm, it was a little hot. 85 degrees hot to be exact.
I started to feel the pre-bonk signs despite my slow pace around 5 miles. I had planned a break at 7 miles but stopped at 6 and had a crank GU and lots of water. I felt really good and committed myself to what I thought was to a 15 mile loop. And I continued to feel good until I hit the 10th mile and started to struggle up a hill. So I walked until it was flat and then negotiated a walk run for the next 2 miles. At 12 miles I stopped for some Gatorade. Again I felt decent enough and thought about all the times I physically felt worse: last 5k of the ING marathon, 42 hour labor with Carmella, that time I had a stomach flu and was nursing a newborn, the time I did my first 22 miler and had to sit on the curb and cry for a minute because it was so hard, when I broke my pelvis and the morphine had worn off and they moved me for xrays. Every time I stopped to walk I would think; Well, I don't feel nearly as bad I did those times-- and I would start running. I even saw Garmin register a few 6:30 minute mile pace. Embarrassingly, though I also saw some 10 minute mile pace too.
I kept recalling the other more physically demanding and painful times in my life and just kept plugging on. I even pushed on in the 14th mile when I was temporarily blinded by a cloud of dry Georgia red clay a dump truck had just spilled at a construction site I ran past. I ran with my eyes closed past the workers who were not at all sympathetic. Bastards. Again, I still didn't feel as bad as I had those other times so I went on running despite how much I really wanted to call someone, anyone that cared, to come pick up my hot, sweaty and tired ass. But I hung in there and I got through it and it ended up being 16 miles in 2 hours and 29 minutes. A 9:20 pace. So not fast but the temp when I finished? 96 brilliant degrees.
I embraced the ice bath like a long lost lover I never knew I missed. Ahhhh. . . it was bliss. Just divine.
So maybe I am not really smart like my kids but I am persistent. And by persistent I mean kinda dumb.