Right outside my window it is dark and rainy.
The cold dreary wetness lends itself to lethargy, sometimes.
A day like today draws you to your window. To sit. To stare. At puddles, pools being made by small rivers rushing down the window pane.
I am fighting off the lethargy.
It is hard. It is a gym day. A treadmill day. A pool day.
The lethargy is appealing.
I am unmotivated for the gym, the pool. Those fluorescent lights, that sour old sweat smell, dark cave like building. This idea of being inside. It is somewhat terrible for me. It is hard to get excited about it-- the machines and drawn, dull faces at the gym. There is no brightness, no cheer. It is uninspiring.
I will have to look in, not out.
It will be hard.
I am mostly a dissociative runner. I don't like looking in.
Not because I think I am dull.
(Obviously this blog speaks quite the contrary.)
But I do not like to think about running unless racing or when not actually running.
At the gym, on the treadmill I have to be an associative runner.
Associative runners are hardcore. They have focus.
I am soft at the core. Focus is hard. It is uncomfortable.
I am handicapped. Excuses! I am ADHD.
I can't focus.
Sheesh. What am I saying? That I need some Ritalin to go to the gym?
Two days ago-- Wednesday, in case you are unsure that today is Friday and can't remember what day comes 2 days before Friday--I ran my 3rd 21 miler for this training cycle. It wasn't great but it was better than last week's 19 miler and better than the first 21 miler I did back at the beginning of January. I think the course is just stale. I'll shake it up next week. Run somewhere new. . .
Yesterday was cold and rainy but I still ran an easy 6. I ran in the rain because I just can't do my recovery runs on the treadmill. I mean, of course, I can. But I always run them too fast and then I have to spend the next day recovering from my recovery run. I do not like running a nine minute mile on the treadmill. It makes it even more boring not to mention 6 miles on the treadmill at a 9 or slower pace means a long time on the treadmill. So yesterday I ran in the rain. I knew if I made myself run in the rain I would run the whole time. There is no walking in the rain. I had a good run.
But today I can't gear myself up for running in the rain. I used the romance of the rain run yesterday. Today it will just feel miserable. So I am sitting here, wasting time wallowing and whining about running at the gym searching for a spark of motivation.
Yesterday afternoon I rode the bike for an hour. I was entertained by all the high school girls. Probably all on some mad diet or new fitness regime to perfect their perfect bodies for spring break, prom or some other teen pageantry. They moved in clusters, little packs of girls flitting from stair stepper, to elliptical, to treadmill, to bike while they giggled, gossipped, flipped their hair and never removed their zipped up jackets or broke a sweat. It was cute and I remember when I too would go to the gym and not workout.
Oh my. This is a waste of time. I am done with it. This rambling.
I am going. I will get it done.
And later today I will be happy that I did it.
So I will think about that.
That it is done.
PS. Sorry for the boring post.