Monday, January 18, 2010

Number One Reason NOT to Drink the Coffee at My Parent's House

Possible offensive or at the very least crude content that might leave some scarred for life (especially if you have actually drank coffee at my parent's house.)

A week and half ago Atlanta got hit with a "snow storm". The quote marks are for the readers who live in areas where they actually have snow storms with snow. (I wouldn't want to offend anyone having just started back blogging and all.) But those who have not ever experienced a southern snow you need to know that in Atlanta any amount of snow, no matter how little, is reason for the world to shut down and for people to forget all driving skills. This year, though the snow accumulation was laughable, there really was ice on the roads and it made for some pretty scary driving over in my parts.

Exhibit A: Carmella and Beau playing the street across from my house. Complete sheet of ice.

As the member of a family where it is genetically ingrained that you must attempt to drive in all adverse conditions no matter how ill advised I drove over to my Mom's to pick her up so we could run at the Leita Thompson trail. The Leita trail is about 2 miles from her house and 7 miles from my house. I had contemplated running to the Leita but it did seem a little crazy to run 14 miles (round trip) just so I could run a few loops on the soft, groomed, snow covered Leita trails (longest loop is 2.5 miles and the max I can stand to run that loop is 4 times, usually I'm just good for 2 though). Plus, as I discovered the next day when I did run from my house that the sidewalks were very treacherous. So driving actually proved a better choice. I know many people chose to take the "snow" day off from workouts or opted to go to the gym as the temps were in the single digits but we so rarely get "snow" that I just couldn't pass up the opportunity to run in it. Who knows when Frosty is gonna show again. Gotta run and have some fun before it all melts away, right?

Snow, for us Southerners is a precious novelty. I feel like I am in a fairy tale running through the snow. Silly, I know, but don't forget: I've lived here my whole life and have been logging 50+ miles a week on the same roads for over 4 years now. Snow is a free change of scenery.

Leita trail about a mile in (clockwise):

Me and Lola heading out:

Frozen pond at the midway point on the trail:

Mom and Lola:

Mom and I had a lovely run and on the way back to her house I asked her if she had any coffee. I was out and didn't feel like stopping at the store. She only had whole beans. Oh, never mind I said, I don't have a grinder. . .

Oh, she said, I have a back up coffee maker with a grinder. You can have it. (Score!)

I know you are thinking, "back up coffee maker"? Okay, so there are 4 important things to know here about my parents:

1. They are very serious about their coffee. Annoyingly serious. Growing up 2 things we were never out of were coffee and wine.

2. My dad LOVES to buy kitchen appliances and gadgets.

3. They actually have another "back up coffee maker".

4. Yes, this makes it damn near impossible to ever buy my parents gifts. Except wine. You can, apparently, never have too much wine.

Said "back up coffee maker" that I scored:

After a lesson from her how to make a great cup of coffee, I left Mom's happy from my run and with a bag of coffee beans, a new coffee maker, a waffle iron, some beer, some potatoes, and some ketchup. (Yeah, so I remembered there were a few other things I needed to get at the store.)

I tell you what.

The shopping at my parents is good! And cheap. (Hello free! Pleased to meet you!) However, it does require some patience; like how I am waiting for them to decide that they don't really want that big flat screen that they just bought or for mom to figure out already that the wardrobe in their room really isn't the right piece for them. . .

Ryan was really excited about our new coffee maker too; especially once he figured out he could program it. And while I love that I can wake up and have coffee hot, ready and waiting--the thing sounds like the space shuttle taking off in my kitchen and serves dually as an alarm clock. The not so good part about that is at 5:30 am when I don't need to get up until 6 am. Why 5:30 am? Because Ryan ambitiously thinks he is going to be ready and leaving the house before 6 am. But typically at 5:30 am I am in the process of smacking him for the 3rd time in 27 minutes to get up and turn off the f-ing snooze.

Ryan also has been a little frustrated by the coffee but for a different reason. He thinks the coffee is weak. Therefore, I am of the belief that he is just not adding enough beans but he isn't convinced. When he found out today that my mom was coming over because my sister was coming over to do my hair he told me to ask her again how to make a "great cup of coffee." But then he changed his mind and said, never mind, ask your sister. Then he when out to do boy stuff since there was going to be a bunch of women coloring their hair here.

I totally had forgotten the story until, in mid foil and in all seriousness, I asked my sister how to make a great cup of coffee. I was thinking Ryan had told me to ask her because she and Wes have a similar coffee maker (also a previous back up coffee maker's of my parents.) But when she busted out laughing and commented that she hadn't ever told the story to mom; I suddenly remembered.

And so now we have reached the part of my story where an alternate title for this post has occurred to me: Reason #4,602 Why Not to Live in Your Parents House After College.

Pookie was about 24, doing the moved-back-into-Mom-and-Dad's-house-what-am-I-going-to-do-after-college bit. Now, first you must understand that my parents do not by any means have a small house but even though it is a larger house you are able to hear everything going on in the kitchen no matter where you are in the house. You actually come to believe, if you are in another area of the house, that once people enter my parent's kitchen they begin screaming at each other to converse. It is that clear and that loud. Pookie's bedroom at the time was at the farthest upper most point from the kitchen and one morning, surely fresh in from a hard night of partying most clearly overheard this unfortunate exchange between my parents:

Mom: Beau! This coffee is amazing! What did you do to it?

Dad: I put my dick in it.


  1. Oh my God, that is the absolute best. I cannot wait until my kids are grown and my kids over hear Ken and I saying this kind of stuff to each other. Seriously...dying laughing. They are too cute. Nothing like a little dick in the coffee.

  2. Oh my gosh...that is both funny and awful at the same time!

  3. That was... okay, no words. I DO like the 'snow' pictures, though! Very pretty and cute!

  4. My reputation is ruined forever, not to mention your Dad's.

  5. That phrase has become catch phrase at our house....... If wes makes any thing good he always ask if I know why it's good.......because he put his **** in it. Scarred for life but able to laugh about it

  6. This is why I love y'all!!!!!


  7. Damn, it took you a long ass time to tell that story, but it was so worth it.

  8. LOL. My 4 year old is asking me why I am laughing. "What's funny, Mom?"

    Um....nothing, kid. :)

    Leita is the best. I love running there.

  9. I'm ruined in your friend's eyes.

  10. Classic Wolfe.


  11. Um, I have no words for that last part. Icky

  12. Ruined in some. Hero in others.
    It is an oft quoted line for those in the know.

  13. Very funny........then i remembered Beau made coffee a couple of times at HH....

  14. I was reading this post last week in an airport, and snorted my coffee and spewed it onto my laptop screen.

    The lady sitting next to me gave me a funny look and then got up & left. She obviously wasn't reading this, or she would have understood.

    This was hilarious!!