Food that is NOT Good

Recently it has come to my attention that I might need to compile a helpful list of food that is not good. The reason for this is that some of my friends unfortunately have handicapped taste buds and seem to think some things are good when in fact they are not.

I want to help them not eat yucky food. I want them to know what really tastes good and what does not but most importantly when I go to their house I want them to not try to make me eat the bad tasting food. Because me? I know what tastes good.

I am sure you are wanting to know what makes me qualified to make such assertions and certainly it isn't scientific but I am basing my superior palate on the fact that when I cook something everyone always says how fantastically delicious it is. Be certain. This isn't bragging. I do not love to cook so really I could careless if I am a good chef or not but the fact is I am. When I make something it tastes good. People eat it and ask for the recipe. Which there is not recipe because usually I made it up. Also, I have noticed that when we go out to dinner with people often times they copy my choices. Wanna know why that is? Because me? I know what is good.

So in no particular order here is my list of food that does not taste good:

1. Brussel Sprouts
Thursday I got caught in a storm while riding my bike through Steph's hood. She graciously let me wait it out at her house. But I think the whole time they were really trying to get rid of me. Why? Well because that is the only reason I can come up with as to why they kept offering me brussel sprouts. This is really pretty smart on their part.

I mean I ride up and see Doug out in his very cute and flourishing garden. I saw corn growing there--an exotic and very tasty food by the way, and other tasty pickings. There were many good tasting choices.

I call out to him and he comes up to the house and all the sudden he is like "Hi Nat! We are having brussel sprouts for dinner. You should stay!"

See how that really is an uninvitation?

I just don't think you offer something so bitter and horrible tasting to someone you really want to stay for dinner. I do feel badly that they probably had to eat the brussel sprouts just to keep up the rouse. Poor Annika and Dags. Hope they don't hold it against me. I did take the hint and left right before they ate so hopefully they just threw them out. I'd feel badly if they made their kids eat brussel sprouts just because I stopped by uninvited.

Really, I've tried brussel sprouts. Not only do they look like tiny green brains they taste even worse. Not that I've eaten tiny green brains but brussel sprouts taste exactly like I imagine tiny green brains might taste. Which is, not good.

2. Black licorice
Seriously.

This is suppose to be a candy?

I think that if you don't want your kids to eat candy you should give them licorice. They will never ask for candy again.

I shudder just imagining the taste of licorice in my mouth.

I should add under this the German cookies Pfeffernuesse. I don't think there is actually licorice in them but that is what they taste like. I think it is a crime that they even call these a cookie. If I was a cookie I would form a union and would not let pfeffernuesses in. I know that might sound really extreme but these cookies tricked me. I bought them once-- you understand, spent money on them-- thinking that they were Russian tea cookies--which is a GREAT cookie--and thought I had eaten rotten Russian tea cookies. It was a very sad and bad day for me. Even though it was 5 years ago when this happened the bitter memory is still very vivid.

3.Eggs
Yes, I know they are a very popular breakfast food but they are not good. Sorry. They smell and taste bad. Boiled eggs are the worst. They smell like sewage. Why? Why would you want to eat that? It has only been since I had kids that I can even stand to cook scrambled eggs because while I think they are completely foul tasting I do recognize that they do have some good qualities. You know, like protein. But I don't eat them. I'll feed them to my kids though.

4. Lamb
I just don't understand why people say lamb tastes good. I will concede that it does smell like it is going to taste good but it always tastes like rotten meat. I try it almost every year and it is always the same: rotten meat. Not good. Even worse is that mint jelly. Rotten meat with green gelatinous stuff on it. Yeah, that's gonna taste good.

5. Gin
Is not good. Unless you like turpentine. Why would you drink gin when you could have vodka?

6. Fish
Okay, I will give you that maybe I find fish so gross because I am allergic to it so maybe the fishy taste is extra strong to me. But it is foul. Smells bad, tastes bad. Shellfish though is good. Eat that.

7. Oysters
Okay, I know I just said eat shellfish it is good and it is EXCEPT for oysters. Seriously. People. A food that carries a risk of hepatitis is not a good choice. Besides it looks like snot and tastes like snot. And snot? Also not good.

8. Bananas
Are creepy. Bad taste. Bad texture. BUT they are good for you so if you are immune to the foul banana flavor you might should eat them, occasionally. Like in a cramp emergency or something.

9. Goat Cheese
I continually try this one but it is always so gross. Tastes like sour, turned cheese. Not. Good. Stop putting it on pizza. Ruins it.


Okay. So those are my main bad foods that people think taste good but absolutely are not. Certainly there is other stuff I don't love but the above listing I just can't understand how people can willing put this stuff in their mouths and then claim that it tastes good. Because I know it doesn't.

And for the curious, in regards to Carmella's allergy testing she tested negative for all food allergies (she is very allergic to almost all tree pollen and, like me, grasses. Which I already knew.). They didn't have a test for cashews so they took her blood (not all of it, just a tiny bit) and are testing for that and again for the other tree nuts. So we still don't know what caused the reaction but it was definitely something she ingested.

Anway, I am sure my list is incomplete so feel free to add your own list of foods that are not good.