Tuesday, August 05, 2008

Hey Lance, There's a New Yellow Jersey in Town

While Beau didn't get his adult bike for his birthday he did get a new outfit, complete with gloves, shorts, jersey, bike light and water bottle.
Last night at dinner I told the kids that today was going to be big bike day for them. At least 10 miles.

They've done 10 miles before but it took forever. My goal is to get them to where they are riding at least my marathon goal pace for 12-15 miles--around 8 minute miles-- without tons of superfluous stopping. They've got the pace, just not without lots of breaks.

So I put the kids to bed and Carmella went to sleep but Beau kept coming to ask me a bazillion questions.

Like what?

Well, he asked for bike shoes. He complained that he didn't have any and he knows I have special shoes for my bike. I explained they don't make bike shoes for kids, especially 5 year olds. His vans would work just fine. I've seen tons cyclists wear vans. Some prefer it, I said. It is what is done, I told him.

Then he brought me his bike shorts--apparently he likes to lay his outfit out just like his Mommy does--to pull the tags off. I pulled the tags off and shuffled him back to bed.

He was back a few minutes later--clearly after inspecting and contemplating bike shorts. He asked, "Uh, Mommy, do you wear underwear with bike shorts?"

Me: No. Now: Go.To.BED!

Beau, stock still with blank look and giant saucer eyes stares at me. Blinking twice. He is such a freaking cartoon. Not to self: Limit TV.

Me: Go to BED!!!!

Beau: (ignoring me) Do you wear underwear with your bike shorts?

Me: No. It is all commando.It is what all the serious cyclist do. Go to bed. NOW!!!!

And he shuffles back to bed to contemplate this no underwear thing.

Then this morning while he ate his breakfast he told me he needed the butt paste.

Butt paste?

Well, it is actually the chamois butter. The kids are fascinated by it. When I rode the Cartersville Century Dani gave me a tube of it. The kids found it in my car and asked about it.

The conversation went like this:

Beau: What's this? ( holding up tube of chamois butter)

Me: It is Chamois butter.

Carmella: Where did you get it?

Me: My friend Dani gave it to me.

Beau: What is (garbled) butter?

Me: It is creme you put on your bike shorts so you don't chafe.

Blank looks from kids.

Me: (trying to clarify) It is butt paste. Keeps your bottom feeling good when you ride the bike for a long time.

Carmella: You have friends that give you butt paste?

Me: Uh, yeah. She was looking out for my parts.

Beau: What parts? Your penis?

Me: Beau, girl's don't have penises. We've covered this. Never mind. Look! Over there. It's Sponge Bob Square Pants.

So anyway, Beau asked for the butt paste this morning. For his bike he said.

Oh, I said. You don't put the butt paste on your bike. You put it in your shorts or on your, uhm . . . butt.

Beau was quiet and then said, never mind. I don't want any.

He excitedly put his outfit on and we headed out to the trail.
And instead of 10 miles we did 12. Only 2 breaks! Time spent running (me) and biking(Carmella and Beau) was around 1:37. 8:10 minute mile pace, in 86 degree weather no less. My kids? They kicked ass.

Beau though did drive me batty with his bike questions and endless chatter:
Beau:Mommy, who's your bike partner?
Me:Ms. Stephanie.
Beau: She's faster than you? You're the slow poke?
Me: Ah, no, we are about the same. We are both equally slow.
Beau: Does she have a better bike?
Me: Uh, yeah, probably. It is a different bike.
Beau: A road bike?
Me: No a tri bike.
Beau: What's a tri bike? Is it a tricycle?
Me: No. Uh, it's a road bike that is different than mine.
Beau: Faster?
Me: Sometimes.
Beau: So she is faster.

Meanwhile, Carmella is riding about 100 feet in front of us pretending she doesn't know us and looks completely bored.

And later Beau catches back up to me after riding about 15 feet behind me for a mile or so:
Beau: I ran over an orange snake Mommy.
Me: What!? When?
Beau: Back there.
Me: OhMyGod! Did it bite you? Did it arch up at you?
Beau: No. It . . . and mimes snake tongue and hissing sound
Me: Uh, that is a copperhead and they are poisonous. Do NOT run over ANY snakes.
Beau: Why?
Me: Because they will bite you and you will die.

And even later:
Beau: Is Uncle Wes's bike faster than yours?
Me: Yes. Wes is A LOT faster than me.
Beau: And he rides on the road?
Me: Yes.
Beau: When I am an adult. Like when I am 8, I am going to ride on the road.
Me: Okay. Can we not talk? It is hard for Mommy to keep talking.
Beau: Is it because you are slow?
Me: Yes. ( but thinks, f-off)

And even though he is 5 I do think the Mainstay needs to be worried. Apparently Beau has us on his radar. Clearly, he has decided I am NOT competition but the Mainstay and Stephanie are.

I mean checkout the Mainstay with his game face:

And look here is Beau with his:

But most importantly Beau refuels with water, Gatorade and pbj sandwiches. Not PBR like the Mainstay:

Yeah, you're going down. But uh, good luck on Sunday!


  1. Ahh the things kids say. You have to wonder what they are thinking when they say the things they say

  2. Ha! I love this. I love his cycling outfit and all the questions. Man, Nat, you make it look so easy. I know it takes patience, but you rock!!

  3. Beau is awesome. As I read, I thought he'd be all over the butt paste, but then you'd have to wipe it off. : )

    Doug is calculating our race times on his spreadsheet. He thinks we can break 6 hrs.

  4. Hilarious!!! I love that kid!


  5. Beau is looks kickin' in his new bike outfit! 12 miles wasn't probably worthy of chamois butter....but once he gets into that stuff he ain't never going back!