Hey Lance, There's a New Yellow Jersey in Town

While Beau didn't get his adult bike for his birthday he did get a new outfit, complete with gloves, shorts, jersey, bike light and water bottle.
Last night at dinner I told the kids that today was going to be big bike day for them. At least 10 miles.

They've done 10 miles before but it took forever. My goal is to get them to where they are riding at least my marathon goal pace for 12-15 miles--around 8 minute miles-- without tons of superfluous stopping. They've got the pace, just not without lots of breaks.

So I put the kids to bed and Carmella went to sleep but Beau kept coming to ask me a bazillion questions.

Like what?

Well, he asked for bike shoes. He complained that he didn't have any and he knows I have special shoes for my bike. I explained they don't make bike shoes for kids, especially 5 year olds. His vans would work just fine. I've seen tons cyclists wear vans. Some prefer it, I said. It is what is done, I told him.

Then he brought me his bike shorts--apparently he likes to lay his outfit out just like his Mommy does--to pull the tags off. I pulled the tags off and shuffled him back to bed.

He was back a few minutes later--clearly after inspecting and contemplating bike shorts. He asked, "Uh, Mommy, do you wear underwear with bike shorts?"

Me: No. Now: Go.To.BED!

Beau, stock still with blank look and giant saucer eyes stares at me. Blinking twice. He is such a freaking cartoon. Not to self: Limit TV.

Me: Go to BED!!!!

Beau: (ignoring me) Do you wear underwear with your bike shorts?

Me: No. It is all commando.It is what all the serious cyclist do. Go to bed. NOW!!!!

And he shuffles back to bed to contemplate this no underwear thing.

Then this morning while he ate his breakfast he told me he needed the butt paste.

Butt paste?

Well, it is actually the chamois butter. The kids are fascinated by it. When I rode the Cartersville Century Dani gave me a tube of it. The kids found it in my car and asked about it.

The conversation went like this:

Beau: What's this? ( holding up tube of chamois butter)

Me: It is Chamois butter.

Carmella: Where did you get it?

Me: My friend Dani gave it to me.

Beau: What is (garbled) butter?

Me: It is creme you put on your bike shorts so you don't chafe.

Blank looks from kids.

Me: (trying to clarify) It is butt paste. Keeps your bottom feeling good when you ride the bike for a long time.

Carmella: You have friends that give you butt paste?

Me: Uh, yeah. She was looking out for my parts.

Beau: What parts? Your penis?

Me: Beau, girl's don't have penises. We've covered this. Never mind. Look! Over there. It's Sponge Bob Square Pants.

So anyway, Beau asked for the butt paste this morning. For his bike he said.

Oh, I said. You don't put the butt paste on your bike. You put it in your shorts or on your, uhm . . . butt.

Beau was quiet and then said, never mind. I don't want any.

He excitedly put his outfit on and we headed out to the trail.
And instead of 10 miles we did 12. Only 2 breaks! Time spent running (me) and biking(Carmella and Beau) was around 1:37. 8:10 minute mile pace, in 86 degree weather no less. My kids? They kicked ass.

Beau though did drive me batty with his bike questions and endless chatter:
Beau:Mommy, who's your bike partner?
Me:Ms. Stephanie.
Beau: She's faster than you? You're the slow poke?
Me: Ah, no, we are about the same. We are both equally slow.
Beau: Does she have a better bike?
Me: Uh, yeah, probably. It is a different bike.
Beau: A road bike?
Me: No a tri bike.
Beau: What's a tri bike? Is it a tricycle?
Me: No. Uh, it's a road bike that is different than mine.
Beau: Faster?
Me: Sometimes.
Beau: So she is faster.

Meanwhile, Carmella is riding about 100 feet in front of us pretending she doesn't know us and looks completely bored.


And later Beau catches back up to me after riding about 15 feet behind me for a mile or so:
Beau: I ran over an orange snake Mommy.
Me: What!? When?
Beau: Back there.
Me: OhMyGod! Did it bite you? Did it arch up at you?
Beau: No. It . . . and mimes snake tongue and hissing sound
Me: Uh, that is a copperhead and they are poisonous. Do NOT run over ANY snakes.
Beau: Why?
Me: Because they will bite you and you will die.

And even later:
Beau: Is Uncle Wes's bike faster than yours?
Me: Yes. Wes is A LOT faster than me.
Beau: And he rides on the road?
Me: Yes.
Beau: When I am an adult. Like when I am 8, I am going to ride on the road.
Me: Okay. Can we not talk? It is hard for Mommy to keep talking.
Beau: Is it because you are slow?
Me: Yes. ( but thinks, f-off)

And even though he is 5 I do think the Mainstay needs to be worried. Apparently Beau has us on his radar. Clearly, he has decided I am NOT competition but the Mainstay and Stephanie are.

I mean checkout the Mainstay with his game face:

And look here is Beau with his:



But most importantly Beau refuels with water, Gatorade and pbj sandwiches. Not PBR like the Mainstay:

Yeah, you're going down. But uh, good luck on Sunday!

Did not die

Almost bonked though. Had a rough patch around mile 80. Entertained some pretty negative thoughts which irritated me but I rallied and got past it to finish strong.

100.30 miles, 15.65 miles per hour (yes, I am slow poke. But I should note this was a tad faster than my previous longest ever ride of 63 miles. So there is potential that someday? I might, kick ass on the bike. Bwhahahaha) Time was 6 and half hours. Ouch for the boo-Tay. But thanks to Dani for the chamois creme. My girly bits thank you too.

Full report with pictures forth coming. Digital camera got dropped in the pool at swim meet Thursday so I bought a throw away for the ride to record for prosperity. And by prosperity I mean blog.

Thanks to the Mainstay for the advice. I take back about wishing you to be a bridesmaid and hope that it was your big day up in Rome this evening.

And HUGE thanks to Neal for offering and actually riding with me. I had a FABULOUS time. It was great meeting everyone and just was a beautiful ride!

Big Bike Day

Today the Mainstay and I tooled around the island on our roadies. Pretty easy ride considering I always ride Roswell that is fairly hilly and Hilton Head is pancake flat. Challenge was in navigating the beach cruisers. Highlight was, as to hear the Mainstay tell it, almost getting bit by a cobra. I definitely think it was venomous--probably a cotton mouth but definitely not a cobra and at most it would have got his tire-- or me, who was right behind the Mainstay. You know, drafting.

In more exciting news Beau agreed to take the training wheels off his bike. This was after he made me promise that if he did it I would take him to Monkey Joe's after the beach vacation.

I have to admit. I feel a bit taken. I gave him one little push and off he was pedaling down the beach. Hi! I'm Beau. And I can ride my bike without training wheels, he informed all beach goers. All those around us, having come to know Beau's name because I constantly scream it for one reason or another, also cheered him on.


However, there was a few bike tantrums. Beau really took out his frustrations on the bee bike. And everyone around us was quite entertained. And I am glad that we are able to offer beach entertainment to such complete strangers. Sorry the video was so shakey. This was probably the third such tantrum and I could barely contain my laughter as the tantrums were quite theatrical and went on for a quite awhile. I regret not getting the one where he beat the crap out of his bike with a sand bucket.

Other fun stuff we did:

4 square:
We are good.
Especially the kids:

Fishing!
We have caught nothing! Yet the people who fish right next to us caught a 4ft black tip shark. Not to mention of bunch of little sharks, sting rays and sunfish. Us? Nothing.

Clearly though.

We have other priorities:

It is only easy after you know how . .

Yesterday Ryan and I took the training wheels off the kids bikes. Beau was very excited about this. But, then again, Beau is pretty much excited about everything--at least until he learns more about it. Everything is awesome with Beau until he gets burned. Yeah, it's gonna be a tough life for him--you know, learning everything the hard way. And trust me, I speak from the perch of experience on this one. Been there done that and now I am chicken shit about everything and to which way from last Thursday.

So yeah, we took the training wheels off the kids bikes and Beau was excited and Carmella was most definitely not --and not just because she is, as general rule, suspicious of everything. I swear, she was either poisoned or was a spy in a past life because "trust no one" has pretty been her motto since birth. But you know that might be because I am her mom and really, who can blame her? Anyway, my point is that she was not excited specifically because she clearly recalls 2 years ago when I tried to take her training wheels off. It took all of 10 seconds on the bike and falling over to convince her that uhm, yeah. Mom? I'm not doing that and, by the way, I really don't like bikes and so long as those two little wheels are not attached to that big back wheel I will not be riding a bike. Ever.

Nevertheless, yesterday she did not argue or utter word as we took off her training wheels. I guess she had come to realize that maybe six was getting a bit old for training wheels and decided that she would suck it up. I did hear her trying to warn Beau of what was to come. He did not listen. At all.

Beau watched giddy with excitement as Ryan took his wheels off. He joyously asked if he could have the wheels to play with. Later, he would come to cling onto these in such a pathetic manner that we had to wrench them away and hide them.

Beau tried the bike first. And he fell right over.

We all laughed.

Beau laughed too. Because to Beau being funny pretty much trumps everything else. He may be the biggest pain in the ass ever but I gotta say the kid knows how to laugh at himself and that makes him completely charming. However Beau's ability to laugh at himself was pretty much shot after he found out that, seriously; we are not putting the training wheels back on. Then he didn't think that was so funny. At all.

And then instantly he was no longer so excited.

And that pretty much sucked for everyone because Beau is really good at throwing a tantrum. Apparently the same gene that allows him and the world to laugh with him also carries a similar trait of suffer and the world must suffer with you. So while the world may not stop or even give a rat's ass that Beau is upset; Beau does make it pretty damn miserable to be on the same planet when he is not the one laughing. So we did what we always do when we reach that point with Beau: lock him in his room.

Next it was Carmella's turn to try her bike. She had a little more success but was quickly frustrated and done trying. So when Carmella started melting Ryan lost his patience and sent her to her room too. And for the record we almost never have to punish Carmella but even on the rare occasions that we do she just sucks it up and sits there. Ryan told both kids they could stay in their rooms until they adjusted their attitudes.

After awhile I went in and we all had a discussion about how everything is hard the first time and then it does get easier. I explained to them that all we were asking is that they try. And if after a few days of trying to ride without training wheels and that if they still couldn't get it after giving it a try that Daddy would put the training wheels back on their bikes. I told them that I thought with just a little hard work they would get it and then it would be easy and they could be faster and riding a bike would be even more fun.

Carmella listened.

Beau did not and commenced the tantrum of the training wheels. This earned him more time in his room to adjust his attitude in the correct direction.

Carmella and I went out and worked on it.

Eventually Beau came out too.

All afternoon Ryan and I alternated between teaching them how to ride bikes and watching them lose their shit over not being able to do it. Carmella, on the few instances when we were trying to persuade Beau to give it another chance, went in the backyard and practiced in secret. She use to do this as a baby--not in the backyard but in her room when she was suppose to be taking a nap, which by the way she never did. With Carmella it went like this: we would be at playgroup and would reach the point in playgroup where all the mommies showed off their genius kid tricks. Whenever it was my turn Carmella would just blink and look at me like she had no idea what the hell I was talking about. I quit participating in the genius kid tricks until Beau came along--who was always willing to perform-- but then those were more in line with the stupid pet tricks. Anway, after playgroup and while she was suppose to be napping I would hear her in her room ordering her doll Bobby to do all the genius kid tricks I had wanted her to do at playgroup that day: Bobby say Daddy. Daddy! Okay, Bobby now clap your hands. Clap! See, even at a year old she thought I was an idiot. I may not be as smart as her but I can tell when I am being patronized.

Beau, on the other hand--who does absolutely nothing without an audience-- did not practice in secret. Instead he went and found his tricycle, saying he did not love his Bee bike anymore. But after a few spins on the "baby bike" he begged for his training wheels.

The rest of the afternoon we focused on Carmella and ignored Beau. A few times he did try the bike but would say he was scared and quit. But his quitting and failure only encouraged Carmella. After several hours in the driveway and cul-du-sac I suggested we drive up to the school and practice on the track. I also innocently suggested that we make a "movie" of the event. This quickly proved to be the absolutely most wrong idea ever to suggest to Carmella. Because the frustrated six year old learning to ride a bike instantly morphed into the frustrated diva actor/film maker.

No performance was the right performance. A million "do-overs" were necessary. She pounded her fists, cursed her bike--yelling things like "my bike is controling me!" and this is "all too hard!" And that she "just wanted to make a movie!" And even after it was clear that she had the hang of riding her bike she would not be satisfied until she made a perfect loop around the track. And even when we thought the loop perfect she did not deem it so. We finally left her on the track and waited by the car until she got the hint.

So here a few of the 20 or so clips I took. There were more but she made me delete them on the spot.
Take 1:

Let's try this again:


Again:


And again:



Getting better--"I can't get back on the road! The bike is controling me!":



Success!






And, by the way, all her hard work did pay off. After only one afternoon she is totally proficient. She even rode her bike to school today. Of course this was the biggest we are never doing this again ever mistake. Between Beau and his training wheels, me pushing him up the hill and keeping him out of the street, Lola tangling herself in Beau's bike or around my legs and thus tripping me and all while I scream at Carmella to slow down and wait for us--well, let's just say that is a little more parenting that I care to do before 7:30 in the morning. Not to mention walking proves faster.